Nenad, heroin addiction

Before I went for a drug detox at the clinic i was reminiscing about my past. I was a happy child, raised in working class family. My parents loved me and took care of my brother and me. They did their best to provide us with everything we needed. I finished high school and found job as a salesman, but all the time I had the idea of being a truck driver. As soon as I passed the driving test, I started my career in the profession I enjoyed being a truck driver. I had good company, and as time went by, they all got married and started families, and somehow, we grew distant.

Street friends photoOne day I met a friend from my childhood on the street. We went in for a drink and to catch up. Soon, two of his friends joined us. They were amusing, but I’ve noticed something else. It didn’t take me long to figure out from their stories that they are taking drugs, that they occasionally take heroin to feel good. And that’s how they seemed to me. I started hanging out with them, because I had great time. Everything was fine until the day I felt awful. I had no work, I had an argument with my parents and I felt miserable, depressed. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, and I didn’t want to bother others with my problems, so I called my new friends. I asked them to get me heroin so I could taste it. They brought me what I asked for and warned me to be careful. ”I want take drugs, of course. I just want to try and se if it can relax me a bit”. So, I tried, and it was awesome. I felt great. I am kind of person that likes to tray everything, and it would be great if I stopped at that. But I didn’t. And that day, I would remember as the worst day of my life.

I found a new job, everything was working out for me, and then I messed up. Two years passed by in a blink of an eye, and I was high all the time. First few months I took drugs once or twice per week, then every day, increasing dosage. One day I just stopped to think about what’s going on, and I was terrified. I had no job, everyone turned back on me, I had no money, and what’s worse- I realized I had no control, what so ever over drugs. I am not consuming it to feel good anymore. I am taking it because I have to, so I could feel normal. And I panicked.

Can’t stop using heroin

I decided to quit with drugs. I started with decreasing the dosage. After few days, I felt melancholy, boredom, depression, no job… And I am back on drugs again, but with higher dosage than before. The worst thing was that heroin was in my reach. My drug dealer lived 5 minutes away from me. Every time I pass by his house I have the urge to get high. Drug dealer worked from 6 am to 3 am, so I could drop by at his place anytime. I’ve spent 5-20 euros per day on heroin.

This is was my day:

I wake up in the morning and the first thing comes up on my mind is – how to get money for drugs for today? With that thought, I go in to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth. I try not to think about it, somehow to get it out of my head… no way! As if there is some animal forcing me to think about it.

depressed heroin addict

So, I ask my parents to borrow me some money, to go out with friends for a drink. As soon as I get the money, I am at my dealer’s place, and there I get high. If I feel fine, I am going out to meet with friends. If I am having bad trip, I go home, so I avoid being seen by people I know. Although, it happened to me to get too high, and go out like that, and I just embarrass my self in front of the others. After that, I go home, straight to bed. I sleep too much or too little.

When I tried to stop with drugs, I had crisis. The worst period is around 8 pm, and then at dawn. My whole body is trembling, I feel jitters, and I can’t sleep for 4-5 nights. I feel pinching everywhere, as if heroin is tearing of mussels from my bones… I don’t eat, I through up. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, or doing anything. My thoughts are a mess, everything comes up on my mind.

I needed help, but everyone turned back on me. The ones who tried to help me, did that the wrong way. They tried to make me terrified. I am not a kid, and I didn’t need that. I just wished someone to listen to me and tell me how and where can I get cured from that disease. I was disappointed…

I heard about the treatment at the heroin detox clinic, and that is my first step. After the treatment I plan to move away to another city, change the environment, so that nothing or no one can remind me of my old ways. I’ll try to find a decent job to pay bills. Maybe I’ll take an English language course. Anything to keep my mind busy, and not to think about it. I also want to improve my relationship with my parents. My dad was rarely at home when I was a kid. We didn’t talk about emotions, that’s how we were thought. He hugged me for the first time now at the clinic, after 30 years.